Zero zero one

You were probably wondering what had become of this blog and if you were ever going to see something new. The reason why I haven’t written anything lately is that I went through some sort of culture shock which I did not want to write down because I know some people amongst you worry too much. I have shaken it off, I have learned from it and I have moved on. I only want to mention that it had nothing to do with Nigeria or the Nigerians but everything with understanding the dynamics of a compound and living in a small somewhat narrow-minded community. I try to stay true to myself.

Other than that, life is great in Nigeria. There is just so much we can learn from the Nigerians and it is shocking to see how few people grab that opportunity. One day I was walking the dog outside and on my way back into the compound, I saw that the rubbish van had stopped right by the gate so I would have to pass it and wasn't looking forward to the stench. I waited a bit but it wasn’t moving. I decided to brave it and walked past. All of a sudden, five pairs of hands up in the air "Hello Mma, welcome back Mma". I realised that the rubbish van guys had been waiting for this moment. I sometimes given them water on a very hot day and they do not forgot these things... This genuine gratefulness humbles me. I have been called “sista” on two different occasions and I consider that to be the biggest compliment you can get. I want a full African bath and I have loads of plans in that respect. You will read about it in due course.

Put leg for road
As a linguist, I take a natural interest in the languages people speak. I had heard that in Nigeria people speak English. Oh what a coincidence, I speak English too! Apart from that, most people speak their tribal language which is either Igbo, Hausa or Yoruba. Ah, and there is this funny language called Pidgin English. I didn’t really take that seriously, this “Pidgin English”. No honestly, how difficult can it be? I’ll tell you: it is really, really difficult. I started to realise this was an entirely different language when I tried to communicate with my gardener about my basil which was being eaten by something as yet unidentified. I asked him if he knew what it was and he said something like: “walhala dee wala madeenee wa thee gaddin”. Oh great, at least I had some sort of reassurance that we were both talking about “thee gaddin”. Then I asked him if he had seen white fly in other gardens as well. He said “yes Mma, eef I see, I weell breeng.” It was then that I realised that I had a communication problem. I asked my maid what language he spoke and she burst out in laughter. She had overheard the “conversation” and knew I was completely lost. “He speak Pidgin, Mma, and you speak English.” So English and Pidgin is not the same? “No Mma, Pidgin very different”.

On another occasion, we went to Blake’s, the famous fish bar in town, which was having a celebration evening for the life of Mister Blake, who had been assassinated a couple of months before. They had invited several stand-up comedians, a drama club and what have you. Everyone was in tears. Tears of laughter. The comedians were obviously very funny, yet we got about 10% of what they said. And this 10% was usually an imitation of “thee white man”, who they just love to make fun of. Now I can’t stand this anymore. I have to understand Pidgin. I went onto the internet and found a website of Pidgin Nigeria. Words such as “pipo” (people), “natin” (nothing) and “dem” (they) you can still get. But when you have a dog who does his wee wee in the garden, and your gardener speaks pidgin, it is good to know that “wee wee” actually means marijuana.

Other examples are:

pan cake: make-up
put leg for road: to get started
any attempt: don’t even think about it
go slow: traffic jam
papa dozen: a man with lots of children (also papa battalion)
zero one zero: each lunch only
zero zero one: eat dinner only


I have experienced already that shopping is a lot easier when you speak their language. I just bought a bunch of bananas on the road. The transaction was short and stressless:

“how much?"
“tree handred”
“gimme small price"
“OK OK too pifty”.

Deal done.

More of this later.