Zero zero one

You were probably wondering what had become of this blog and if you were ever going to see something new. The reason why I haven’t written anything lately is that I went through some sort of culture shock which I did not want to write down because I know some people amongst you worry too much. I have shaken it off, I have learned from it and I have moved on. I only want to mention that it had nothing to do with Nigeria or the Nigerians but everything with understanding the dynamics of a compound and living in a small somewhat narrow-minded community. I try to stay true to myself.

Other than that, life is great in Nigeria. There is just so much we can learn from the Nigerians and it is shocking to see how few people grab that opportunity. One day I was walking the dog outside and on my way back into the compound, I saw that the rubbish van had stopped right by the gate so I would have to pass it and wasn't looking forward to the stench. I waited a bit but it wasn’t moving. I decided to brave it and walked past. All of a sudden, five pairs of hands up in the air "Hello Mma, welcome back Mma". I realised that the rubbish van guys had been waiting for this moment. I sometimes given them water on a very hot day and they do not forgot these things... This genuine gratefulness humbles me. I have been called “sista” on two different occasions and I consider that to be the biggest compliment you can get. I want a full African bath and I have loads of plans in that respect. You will read about it in due course.

Put leg for road
As a linguist, I take a natural interest in the languages people speak. I had heard that in Nigeria people speak English. Oh what a coincidence, I speak English too! Apart from that, most people speak their tribal language which is either Igbo, Hausa or Yoruba. Ah, and there is this funny language called Pidgin English. I didn’t really take that seriously, this “Pidgin English”. No honestly, how difficult can it be? I’ll tell you: it is really, really difficult. I started to realise this was an entirely different language when I tried to communicate with my gardener about my basil which was being eaten by something as yet unidentified. I asked him if he knew what it was and he said something like: “walhala dee wala madeenee wa thee gaddin”. Oh great, at least I had some sort of reassurance that we were both talking about “thee gaddin”. Then I asked him if he had seen white fly in other gardens as well. He said “yes Mma, eef I see, I weell breeng.” It was then that I realised that I had a communication problem. I asked my maid what language he spoke and she burst out in laughter. She had overheard the “conversation” and knew I was completely lost. “He speak Pidgin, Mma, and you speak English.” So English and Pidgin is not the same? “No Mma, Pidgin very different”.

On another occasion, we went to Blake’s, the famous fish bar in town, which was having a celebration evening for the life of Mister Blake, who had been assassinated a couple of months before. They had invited several stand-up comedians, a drama club and what have you. Everyone was in tears. Tears of laughter. The comedians were obviously very funny, yet we got about 10% of what they said. And this 10% was usually an imitation of “thee white man”, who they just love to make fun of. Now I can’t stand this anymore. I have to understand Pidgin. I went onto the internet and found a website of Pidgin Nigeria. Words such as “pipo” (people), “natin” (nothing) and “dem” (they) you can still get. But when you have a dog who does his wee wee in the garden, and your gardener speaks pidgin, it is good to know that “wee wee” actually means marijuana.

Other examples are:

pan cake: make-up
put leg for road: to get started
any attempt: don’t even think about it
go slow: traffic jam
papa dozen: a man with lots of children (also papa battalion)
zero one zero: each lunch only
zero zero one: eat dinner only


I have experienced already that shopping is a lot easier when you speak their language. I just bought a bunch of bananas on the road. The transaction was short and stressless:

“how much?"
“tree handred”
“gimme small price"
“OK OK too pifty”.

Deal done.

More of this later.

My blog


When I created this blog, I didn’t really have a clear idea of what I was going to write and how often. The last thing you want to do is to spend several hours writing something so boring that nobody will read.
Because I will be back in Belgium in July for a week for my sister’s wedding, I thought now would be a good time to write something so everyone will be up-to-date before the wedding and all attention can go to Bart and Dominique on that day. At this moment, Mick and I have been here for 2 months and we have had a really good taste of Africa so far (others might disagree) and we love it.
Here’s my first report. It is categorised. You read what you want and you skip what you want. At this moment, it exists only in English simply because I don’t want to be translating in my leisure time.

Our house

We live in a 3-bedroom house on one of the four British compounds. Our compound counts 22 houses. All have small to medium-sized gardens in the back and big common gardens in the middle. The gardens are well-maintained by some 6 Nigerian gardeners. I have bought about 30 big tropical plants and some rattan furniture off someone who has left the post and our private little garden looks fantastic now.

The houses are not modern but big and clean. We have loads of tv channels (including 7 Portuguese channels!!) and internet by a UK internet provider. Everything is by satellite connection which fails during storms and heavy rain. I am not too bothered about that but during the match England – US, the last 5 minutes of the game the satellite connection went down causing a bit of frustration to a crowd of 250 Brits and Americans watching the game in the club next door. When my internet goes down in the house, I often still have internet on my iPhone, which is a different provider. Power cuts are frequent in Nigeria. We have power generators on the compound. I have heard that on the outside people usually get about 2 hours of electricity a day.

We have employed a full-time steward for our household chores. Her name is Hope, her sister Peace works for another couple here and I am sure there is another sister by the name of Happiness. She is very good, honest, punctual and friendly and I am lucky to have her. She is very good with Charlie. We were told Nigerians were not too keen on dogs which can make it difficult to find domestic staff. Hope’s presence in the household gives me so much more time to enjoy everything there is to enjoy.

Our houses are fumigated for ants and cockroaches every month. I have seen the odd creepycrawly in the house by the end of that month but Charlie usually gets them before I do.

The compound is surrounded by a concrete wall covered in razor wire. Guards are on patrol all the time. All doors and windows have grills with locks, which we are asked to use but nobody actually does it. There have been no incidents of intruders as far as I am aware. We also have panic buttons and walkie-talkies which we only use during the weekly drill.

Abuja and its people

When I got off the plane, the first thing I saw was a big mobile phone ad saying: “today is a good day to embrace the future”. And that was exactly what I intended to do. Nigerians don’t make it hard for you. Their general attitude towards life is brilliant. They are genuinely friendly, laid back but not lazy. On the street, people will always say “hello, how are you?” and it really isn’t the same “hello, how are you?” you’ll get from the souvenir salesman in the Souks of Marrakech. Taxis will honk once and move on if you don’t react. Bargaining is part of the culture but never really annoying. White people are very often addressed with “you are welcome” or “welcome to Nigeria”. Shaking hands is also important to them. A smile is always reciprocated.

Gardeners, guards and domestic staff are also very friendly. They take pride in working for us and in “keeping their hands clean”. I am starting to distinguish the faces of every single one of them and I want to learn all of their names but at this moment, they all still look too much like one another.
Nigeria is a pivotal point for the whole of West Africa and an oil-rich country. This brings in plenty of diplomats and expats from all over the world. I have met some very nice people already.

The weather

Nigeria is located just below the Tropic of Cancer and above the Equator. The North of Nigeria is part of the Sahel region, a forest belt across Africa which itself borders with the Sahara dessert. Nigeria only has two seasons: wet and dry. We have arrived at the beginning of the wet season (April – September) which is good to get used to the heat but the humidity levels are rising fast. During the day, temperatures go up to around 35°C, a cool day would be 22 – 25°C. Tropical rainstorms are fascinating. They come up in 10 seconds, they last for about 15 minutes and can really cool everything down. Water pours down by the bucket and this is just the beginning of the rain season. We have been told that in August, we’ll get rain non-stop. Lightning strikes regularly so unplugging computer and tv is part of our daily rituals.

Food

You can get almost anything in Nigeria, but not all year round. There are about half a dozen supermarkets which have the major brands of most things we need, but every supermarket has a different assortment of products so before you have everything you want or need, you need to do at least a couple.
Fruit and vegetables are being imported from Jos, a city located to the northeast of Abuja. The climate there is better for crops but the region has been tormented by civil unrest for years. Every week Norma from Zamani Farms send us an e-mail with an update on the civil situation and the weather and how it has affected their crops, their ability to work on the farm and travel to Abuja. Not everybody appreciates the reports on how many dead bodies they’ve had this week whilst ordering tomatoes, but I think these first-hand unbiased reports on the civil situation are priceless. Last week, I didn’t receive my tomato order because the tomato pickers were too afraid to leave the house. Norma sends us a list with whatever is available and we tick what we want. We might not receive everything, taking the above into account. Twice a week, whatever is available is delivered on our doorstep.

Jos also has a meat farm run by two Germans. They also send us updates by mail, we order, they deliver on our doorstep. Their pork chops are the best I have ever had. Chicken is OK but expensive. Beef is cheap but tender steak is hard to find. They deliver frozen or ready to freeze.
It is amazing though that all communication with these farms is over the internet.
Fish comes from Lagos. Every now and then, the fishmonger visits us. This is usually organised by one of the spouses. I have heard that his fish is outstanding and I have just ordered a “batch” of all sorts. What you order might not be available but there will be something else instead. Fish is cheap. I have just paid 3£ for a whole lobster.
If we need fruit, veggies or meat in between visits from the farmers, everything is available in the supermarket. Apples and tomatoes are expensive but available. Mangoes, pineapples and pawpaws are cheap. The supermarkets also sells ham, salami, pastrami and turkey for sandwiches.
Most women also try to grow things in their own garden. Most of us have herbs, peppers, tomatoes and beans. I have just planted water melons, peppers and herbs. If I can distinguish weeds from seedlings, I might have a nice crop soon. The climate is ideal now. The dry season may be too hot.

You can get manure or compost for next to nothing. The locals call it “a bag of shit”. Sentences such as “do you have the phone number of the shit man?” or “how much did you pay for your shit?” are part of our everyday conversations.
There are a number of nice restaurants out here. We have only tried a few. Typical for Nigeria are the fish bars. You get excellent (though extremely spicy) barbecued fish with chips (so fish ’n chips really). One bar in particular, Blake’s, has live music and African dancing. The music is excellent, the dancing superb and if you want you can get on stage and try a bit of bum-shaking yourself.

There is a huge Lebanese community in Nigeria and Lebanese restaurants are plenty. Lebanese mezze are tasty but you do get them at every party and it can be a bit boring after a while. I have also seen a Nigerian cookbook in the shop and will start experimenting soon. My maid said she'd teach me.

Health and safety

We have a health centre available here in Abuja, with a UK-based nurse and a couple of locally based people. She can order medication in from the UK. The health service is free, the medication has to be paid for. It is what we get in the UK. The main issues here are giardia and malaria. Giardia, also called “Nigerian belly” is a bacteria which causes diarrhoea, vomiting, flu-like symptoms, severe body-aching and splitting head-ache all rolled into one. It is horrible and there is no escaping from it. Giardia lives in contaminated water, contaminated kitchen surfaces (and contaminated does not mean “dirty”), fruit and veggies, everywhere. We have to sterilise everything with chlorine tablets before putting things in the fridge, which in the long run, will give you other symptoms and it does affect the taste of your food. I suppose it is the best of two evils.
Malaria is a big issue here. We have to take prophylaxis but because the malaria here is of the worst kind, so are the prophylaxis. There are 3 types available to us. I have tried them all. One gave me nightmares and anxiety attacks, the second gave me about 3 hours of nausea a day and the third one gives me skin rashes and bruises. I am going to stick to the third one, hoping it will get better. The one I am taking now is prescribed for one year only, so I will need to take a break at some stage and hope nothing goes wrong. I cannot protect myself enough against mosquitoes. I can bathe in repellent, they will still have me for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
The streets of Abuja are fairly safe. Some people don’t go out, or only by car with windows up and doors locked. I walk the dog everywhere and I have never had a problem so far. You shouldn’t put your diamonds on display, or keep loads of cash in your chest pocket, but you shouldn’t do that in London either.

Charlie

The boy is happy. He arrived on the 6th of May in very good spirits. He has got to get used to the heat and shed a few hairs but it is going alright. Everybody (but the odd one out) loves him but that doesn't really surprise us. Obviously we don't do the long walks anymore we did in Broomlye but I take him out as often as I can, inside and outside the compound. The gardeners and guards had to get used to him and Charlie to them but they now call him "the king of the compound". When we approach the gate for an outside walk, one of the guards will shout “opan thee gate for thee keeng of thee compound”. He is also in very good health but I keep him on dog food only. He brings kids to the house and every now and then he has a sleep-over somewhere else. Every day after school, kids rush over trying to beat each other in walking Charlie first. On the streets, I get offers from people who want to buy him but nobody has met my 1 million pound offer yet. The other day, he met a newspaper boy who held a newspaper in front of him. His boss shouted from across the street to stop messing about and go back to work. He shouted back “but I making thee dog read thee newspaper”! It did bring a smile to a number of faces.

There are cats on the compound but they stand ground and Charlie has accepted them as his superiors. There are a couple of other dogs but so far, Charlie has only met a couple of them. He has met up with Sandy, a gorgeous German shepherd, ex-Yemeni bomb sniffer who was re-homed because she didn't bark. She lives with a nice Canadian couple here and Christine, her boss, and I plan to meet up regularly for walks. We will also take the dogs to the Hash House Harriers which meet every other Saturday at the Hilton Hotel.

There is also Banja, a terrier from the British High Commission. Charlie and Banja like each other but they haven’t figured out yet who will be the top dog.

There is a vet, dr. Mohammed, whose theoretical knowledge seems to be pretty much OK but in practice, his reputation is not so good and he is known to have severely injured or even killed pets. I will need to see him soon to have Charlie vaccinated against Nigeria’s most common diseases such as leptospirosis. Once he’s had that - and provided he is still alive - he can swim in the fountain of Millenium park. Malaria is not an issue for dogs. Scabies is also an issue here but there is no vaccine as far as I am aware so it’ll have to be treated as and when Charlie starts to look like he’s lost a fight against an army of moths.

There are no decent kennels in Abuja. We help each other out when someone wants to leave without the dog. I have a long list of volunteers ready for Charlie and when Mick and I want to go on holiday, I will give him to the highest bidder.

What is there to do

Abuja has something for everyone. Some people do get bored but there is absolutely no need to.

On the compound, there are two very good tennis courts. Tennis in the burning hot sun is not always a good idea but we are getting used to it. At this moment everyone plays randomly with friends or partners and a ladder competition will be organised soon. There are also 2 Nigerian tennis coaches available. I have had a couple of sessions with Jonah and the standard is outstanding. I have heard today that Jonah is Nigeria’s number 2 in tennis and we should count ourselves lucky that he is willing to waste his time on a bunch of amateurs like us. There is a fitness room with state-of-the-art machinery, a swimming pool and a squash court on the compound.

Outside, there is a weekly salsa evening at one of the bigger hotels. There are two “bead ladies” organising bead and jewellery making twice a week for a couple of quid. 30 minutes out of Abuja, there is a potter in Bwari who makes fabulous stuff and opens his workshop for you to have a go yourself and even lights the BBQ if you like. I have heard that it is a fantastic day out if you organise it with a group of friends. Abuja also has a state-of-the art cinema complex. They play recent movies and the price is reasonable. Needless to say that I will try all of the above in due course.

In the British community, one of Indian ladies organises yoga classes at her house. I love yoga and will definitely go as soon as I can. Someone else has started up a photography group. They do outings every now and then. I know absolutely nothing about photography but I love how it puts your attention to detail. I definitely want to learn more without becoming too obsessed about it. We have a decent camera now and I have taken lots of pictures of the exotic flowers on the compound. Facebookers amongst you may have seen my album. Taking pictures of people is a bit tricky because a lot of Nigerians believe it takes away their soul. That won’t stop me, but I will need to find a respectful non-offensive way to do it.

Abuja has no symphony orchestra as far as I am aware. There are a number of musicians, however, who are all dying to play. I have identified a couple of pianists, a flautist and one cellist. My luggage has arrived, and the cello was still in one piece and its soul still in the right place, I will assemble a couple of people and discuss what we can do. Christine, the owner of Charlie’s girlfriend, plays the flute and has asked me if I was a “serious” player because she was looking for a bass instrument to form a trio. I thought I’d get away with a “yes, of course I am”. Hopefully she’s not too disappointed when she hears the sound I produce. I can always blame it on the climate!
Every Thursday morning, the non-working spouses (male and female) go to the local orphanage to play with the kids. Those of you who know me better will know that would probably take all 350 home with me, but until now I have been too tied up with work to go. In less busy periods, I’ll be there too!

Can you visit?

Mick and I are enjoying Nigeria. After 4 years of social isolation and hardship, it is a welcome change and we are making the most of it. I would love to share it with you. We have a proper double guest room. Tourism is not big in Nigeria but that is not always a disadvantage. As our guest, you can use all of the compounds facilities and most importantly, there is always Hope. We’d be more than happy to be your hosts.